Don't Question the Questioner

You probably can't tell from where you're sitting but when it comes to stupid questions, I'm a pretty big deal.  I take pride in my work but can't deny that I have a natural talent for this most vital (read: useless) of skills.

Last Saturday there was a Team Gang meet up in the clubhouse, which is more commonly referred to as the Prince Albert pub in Brighton, formed of Dotmund (code name Ed), Alicestronaut (Alice for short) and me.  Alice and I came administratively prepared with pens, notebooks and ruthless efficiency.  Ed just showed up.

With me I brought a list of finely crafted, well considered, expertly constructed stupid questions and here I will share with you the answered I collected (read: demanded) from both Edwardius and the Alice-a-tron.


1. Would you rather be a word or a sound?

Alice: she would be an onomatopoeic word in order to be both  
(ahem, clever clogs!)

Ed: as a result of having a Y chromosome, he would be a sound so that he could be a fart.  He did note that he was very impressed by Alice's answer.

 
2. Would you rather be bride's wedding veil or the mother of the bride's hat?

Alice: she would be the veil as she's not so keen on hats eg Carmen Miranda


Ed: he would be the veil because it is more glamorous  
(the big jessie)

3. Would you rather be a fly on the wall or a wall that could talk?

Alice: she would rather be a wall that could talk, done.  There was mention of the Shoe People

Ed: he would be a fly noting that the main decision here centres on the amount of things that you would hear vs the risk of swatage

4. Would you rather be only able to talk in metaphor or cliche?

Alice: metaphor because chiche people drive her nuts and there is more leeway with metaphor.  
(Please note that Alice tried to QUESTION THE QUESTIONER at this stage, asking if simile would be an option. Me: NO)

Ed: cliche as it wouldn't represent an enormous change to his lifestyle

5. If you had to have a day made a national holiday in your honour, what would be the notable achievement that warranted that holiday?

Alice: saving a baby from a bear


Ed: breaking his neck which actually did happen in the real life on 15th July which is also St Swinthin's Day.  If he can't have that he would like it to be for standing up to Nick Clegg on television at which point he would "bring him down to Chinatown".

6. Would you rather be stuck in a loveless marriage or stuck in a full port-a-loo?

Alice: the marriage because you might get on even if it was loveless. 
(Please note that at this stage she did it AGAIN)

Ed: he leaned towards the port-a-loo option but it would be very limited with not much to do

7. Would you rather be a cold nose or a hot foot?

Alice: she would rather be a cold nose and went on to reveal that she gets hot feet when she drinks red wine and she doesn't like it.


Ed: as with Alice he opted for the cold nose as he prefers a cold extremity as it is easier to warm something that cool something down.

8. Would you rather be a bird with an ill-fitting cape that interfered with your wings or a cheetah wearing ill-fitting wellies?

Alice: she feels that it would be frustrating either way (which is sort of the point of the question).  She opted to be a bird as it you were the cheetah you would get no dinner but if you were the bird you could always eat bread.

Ed: he would be the cheetah to avoid the issue of falling. He also noted an appreciation of the depth of the question

(thanks very much)

9. Simon & Garfunkel inspired- would you rather be a hammer or a nail?

Alice: she opted to be the hammer as she likes to feel constructive, it is her favourite feeling


Ed: he would like to be a hammer as he wants to hit stuff

10. Would you rather have an overwhelming crush you could do nothing about or be emotionally dead on the inside?

Alice: the crush because she's been through it before and even when you do you don't even have to meet them (for example it is was a famous personage) so no problem.

Ed: he echoed Alice's answer but also added that he is already dead on the inside as he is just an internet character

(if anyone is keeping count of any kind of score then he loses a point for contradiction himself. In question 1 he specifically mentioned having a Y chromosome and therefore is a human)

11. Would you rather type the entire works of Shakespeare with your nose or read all of Twilight while sitting naked in a glass box in the middle of a roundabout?

Alice: she opted for the nasal Bard-based activity as she would like the challenge, particularly if allowed to blog about her progress

Ed: he also opted for the Shakespeare one as he quite adamantly does not want to read Twilight.

(I really can't argue with that logic)

12. Would you rather be forced to spend your life gathering a poo collection or on one occasion have to throw your own poo at your Mum?

Alice: she would throw the pooh at her Mum any day as her Mum wouldn't mind.

Ed: as above but in the knowledge that she would ring her special bell and make him clean it up anyway.

13. Would you rather eat a roll of sellotape or a plank of wood?

Alice: she opted for the sellotape as it seems more doable as you could make it into small balls and then swallow them.  The wood gives concerns about splinters in the gums.


Ed: he opted for the wood as it is natural.  The sellotape may well be tastier but the wood would be better for you.

14. Would you rather be a deaf rabbit living beside a motorway or a blind bird living beside an airport?

Alice: she feels that there would perhaps be a better life expectancy for the bird but ultimately opted for the bunny because it's cuter.

Ed: he likes bunnies more than bird and being blind near and airport would be "not good".

(Both expressed that an appreciation of the countryside was an influencing factor in their decision to be a bunny.  I worry about this Team Gang meeting, why are they both saying "bunny"?! I was the youngest person there and clearly said "rabbit")

15. Would you rather be a hitman prone to tearful emotional outbursts or an agony aunt with a heart of stone that drives people to suicide?

Alice: she chose the hitman option as "it would be fun to be me with a gun".

Ed:he chose to be the agony aunt, "send me your problems and I will destroy you".

(I'm a little bit frightened. I wasn't then because I was drunk but in hindsight, I probably should have feared for my life)

16. Would you rather be a phoenix or a cat? (lives issue)

Alice: the phoenix as then you get eternal life and also could use your feathers for pens.

Ed: the cat as while a phoenix rises, it has no choice about burning.  Cats have a choice about their method of death.
(Variety is the spice of life)

(There followed some discussions about Ed wanting to do a pooh in a litter tray.  This has been added to his list of things to achieve this year)


You might not be impressed by the sheer genius of these questions but it's OK, I'm more than impressed enough with myself for coming up with them.  I should certainly enjoy it if you would like to come up with your own answers and would gladly publish them as a post if you get in touch.